Camp Living Stones: Focus

Mondays are usually difficult for me. I go from spending every waking hour doing fun things with the staff on the weekends, to sitting in an office alone hoping Stephen will come edit photos or a Pop Ice addict counselor will come grazing by the freezer in my office for a moment of brightly colored ice relief. While the other counselors are getting to know the new campers and finding a way to connect, I (wo)man the office sitting isolated from the rest of camp. Although my office duties are finished at 2pm, I often continue to feel lonely for the rest of the day. During the weeks I’m not helping in small group, I find it hard to connect with the kids in any meaningful way. It’s easy for me to become focused on myself. How lonely the office can become. I find myself envious of the relationship others are forming during the times spent together throughout the day.

I was praying about this last night after my time with the adult small group, and God so clearly brought the scripture to mind that reads “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be give to you as well” (Matthew 6:33). That verse totally put me in check. You would think that it would be very easy to continually seek God while working at a camp totally centered on God, but it can be a challenge. While I am removed from the distractions of my life in Orlando, working here provides a whole new set of distractions. Whether it is new relationships I’m trying to build with friends here or tasks I need to finish in the office, these things can so quickly take my focus off of Christ. Sadly, there are days [even here] that pass where I do not make time to spend quality time focused on God. I get so focused on the details and intricacies of the ministry I am trying to further that I forget to focus on the one on which all of this is centered. I find myself more focused on who I haven’t had the chance to talk with today or who I’m feeling distant from instead of placing my primary focus on Christ. And for that, I’m ashamed and saddened.

I write this from a place of honesty. A place where I admit that I can get so focused on selfish desires and doing things for God, that I quickly forget to spend time with God. My focus is on things of this world, as godly as they may be, instead of solely on Christ. I’m slowly learning that my focus cannot, should not, be on ministry. As odd as that may sound, focusing on ministry isn’t focusing on God. It’s the whole Mary and Martha thing. Although ministering to others is something all Christians are called to, I cannot let that become my focus. My focus must entirely remain on Christ. Ministry will come simply as byproduct of that.

I would ask for your prayers. Pray that I would not seek with others the companionship or fulfillment that God is meant to provide until I have first found that with him. Pray that I would feel God’s love and the love of others during the lonely times. Pray that God would continue to reveal himself to me as he shapes me more into the person he has created me to be. Pray that I’m open to listen and apply what he want to teach me, especially in the moments when God is teaching me how self-centered and worldly I can be.

I hope this wasn’t a downer post. It certainly was not meant to be such, for I am not saddened or depressed. Instead I find encouragement when God teaches me something new, even if it challenges me to examine myself in a way that may be uncomfortable. Stayed tuned, for I know God will surely teach me more on my journey this summer at Camp Living Stones.

Camp Living Stones: Fun with Friends

A lot has been happening since my last update. Here’s a quick rundown.

* I turned 23! My friends here made me a birthday poster for my room and 100+ campers and staff sang to me.

* My old church from Stuart, FL came last week. It was a blast getting to spend some time with people I’ve loved for a long time.

* We found a puppy at church and brought her back to camp! I named her CoCo [Chanel]! Jon wouldn’t let us keep her, but I enjoyed the 24hrs we did have with her!

* We went funyaking with the group from Covenant. I affectionately renamed it suck-yaking because Courtney and I kept spinning in circles and ended up hitting a rapid, falling out of our boat, and losing our paddles!

* Chase’s mom sent him a new calculator watch to replace the one that died [see previous post] but he had already bought a replacement, so he gave one to me! We’re now twins, and I’m pretty stoked about my new wrist accessory!

* Courtney, Chase, Michael, Liz, Marcus, and I went to Chattanooga on Saturday. We hit up the mall, The Olive Garden, Guitar Center, and Plato’s Closet. Lindsay couldn’t join us in our trip to Chattanooga, so Chase told her he would buy her something. He ended up buying her this ridiculous dress from Plato’s Closet that cost him $1.09. She’s awesome, so she wore it to church the next day. That night Courtney, Chase, Michael, and I stumbled upon a real deal lawn mower race on the side of the road. We watched for an hour or so then headed to downtown Athens for a late night skateboarding session in which Michael dodged traffic as he skated the winding streets of TN!

* I went to a drive-in movie theater for the first time! The entire staff went, and we had a blast! We rolled down all of my windows, put my back seats down, and watched “The Jumper” from the trunk/backseat of my car. For “Indiana Jones” we moved to the roof of my car and sat in our Crazy Creeks under the stars. I fell asleep around midnight, but it was fun nonetheless.

* I’ve been working on the CLS website. I’ve added tons of photos from this summer. Check them out at http://www.camplivingstones.com/ under CLS Picture Albums.

* A group from Pell City, AL came today, and they came bearing gifts! I can tell this is going to be a great week!

That’s all I have time to write for now! It’s worship time with the campers!

Greetings from Camp Living Stones!

Because I am so easily influenced by the opinions of others, I’ve decided to comply with the requests of some to keep my blog up to date with the events of life at Camp Living Stones.

Because free time is extremely rare during the busy days at camp, my blogs will probably mostly consist of short random thoughts and stories. So, here goes.

*I played a game of “If you can catch it, I’ll kiss it” (referring to a frog) with one of the boy campers the other night. Apparently boys from Texas catch frogs for fun, so needless to say two minutes later he was holding a frog and I was kissing it in front of a large, cheering group of children.

*I’ve been given the nickname Cassie “Flo-Rida” Fryfogle here at CLS. I am one of two counselors named Cassie this summer, so I’m repping for my home state by adopting the name of a well-known rap superstar.

*I’m working with amazing people this summer! There are 10 counselors, and you can check them out at http://www.camplivingstones.com/ under Staff & Alumni! I feel like I have 9 new best friends, and I always look forward to camper-free weekends to hang out with them.

*For our “Counselor Challenge” before the kids arrived we canoed for 10.5 hours on the Hiawassee River. In the beginning it was fun. Around 11pm it became scary. There were tears. And cows. We slept in the rain on the front porch of a man named Bear.

*I’ve realized the thing that makes people experience a “camp high” and miss camp when they return home is that at camp Christians are actually behaving like Christians. And that is always refreshing. God is the same whether you’re a camp or at home.

*My birthday is tomorrow, and I will be celebrating with my new friends from Texas! I’m also hoping to spend some time with my Tennessee family (the Sharpes) this weekend!

*I've shared my testimony with girls several times since I've been here, and a lot of girls have been able to relate. Although my story is one where God has provided for me, and been faithful to me as my heavenly father, difficult emotions are brought up each time I share my life with others as I witness girls experiencing similar situations at home. It pains me to see them hurting because I've been there and realize many of these girls do not yet have the perspective to see what amazing things God can bring about through difficulties in life. Pray for these girls as God continues to write their stories.

*We had a funeral for Chase’s beloved calculator watch/magical cell phone. We sang songs and buried it on the volleyball court. I was a pallbearer.

*God is making it more clear to me everyday how selfish, vain, prideful, and materialistic I am. I’m hoping he’ll break of me of these things as I embark on a summer that is not and cannot be about me.

*My church from Stuart, FL (Covenant Fellowship) is coming on Sunday, and I’m super excited to see some familiar faces!

*I haven’t received any real mail, and as the girl in charge of checking the mail everyday that kind of depresses me. So, send me stuff!

Camp Living Stones
534 County Rd. 876
Englewood, TN 37329

That’s all for now!

Between Books Banter: A Blast From The Past

06.24.06

My favorite verse has always been Jeremiah 29:11. It reads, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Lately I've been asking myself how much I truly trust God. Sometimes it feels like he's leading me nowhere. Like he's rolling the dice on my life and trying to figure out what to do with me.

This past week at camp we discussed the "I am" statements of Jesus. My favorite was "I am the good shepherd." In one small group session we looked at a story in the bible that I've heard several times throughout my life. Though this time I saw it differently. We talked about a time when Jesus healed a blind man. To do so Jesus spat in dirt and placed the mud over the man's eyes. Although I had never thought about it before, I found it significant that Jesus used mud. It got me thinking that sometimes it take a little mud to get us to the place where we can see Jesus. It takes enduring the discomfort of mud, the hard and painful things in life, for us to experience the great life Jesus has for us. Still we can find comfort in the fact that Jesus is our good shepherd. That he knows, loves, and protects us like a shepherd does his sheep. He has proven himself the good shepherd by sacrificing his life for us. Because of this we can trust that he will lead us when life gets tough and there's mud in our eyes. We just have to be willing to act like sheep. To listen to the shepherd's voice and follow.

God often speaks to me through music. This morning I was listening to "Table for Two" by Caedmon's Call. In it Derek Webb sings, "You can't plan the ends and not plan the means." This struck me because during rough times I often feel like God has forgotten me. Like these "great plans" he has for my life are so far off that I may never see them. I forget that not only has God planned my future (who i will marry, the career i will choose, etc.), but he has also planned my present. He has planned the means that will ultimately lead me to the ends. I often see painful and confusing times as a detour from the plans God has for my life instead of seeing them as the stepping stones to where God wants to bring me. I focus on the mud in my eyes instead of trusting that once the mud is washed from my eyes I will be able to see things more clearly.

It brings such peace to realize that God has a plan for my life. Both the good and the bad. The means and the ends. It comforts me to know that he will see me through the difficult times in my life, and that he will never give me more than I can handle. That he will be near to me when I am broken hearted and remind me of his love for me. That he has willed the painful and difficult times in my life as a way of revealing himself and his power to me. As a way of reminding me that he is my shepherd and has amazing things planned for my future. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future.

Epiphany.

<3

You know the plans that you have for me,
and you can't plan the end and not plan the means.
So i suppose i just need some peace
to get me to sleep.
(Table for Two: Caedmon's Call)

Coming Soon: Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller

Sex.God. - Chapter Nine: Whoopee Forever & Epilogue: No More Balloons, Please

I'm done. I've been done for weeks and have been reflecting on all I've learned about God and discovered about myself through reading this book. Honestly, I don't know where to begin. So, I'll start at the end.

Bell wraps up this book by telling the story of a couple whose wedding ceremony he had conducted. At their wedding the couple released balloon as a way of symbolizing the abandon of their old lives and things in their past that may prevent them from being fully united to each other. It all started perfectly, but it didn't last long and they eventually divorced. Bell tells the reader: "I finish with this story because life is messy. Gut wrenching. Risky. Things don't always turn out well. Sometimes they don't turn out at all. Sometimes everything falls apart and we wonder if there's any point to any of it. We're tempted to shut ourselves off, fortify the walls around our hearts, and forge ahead, promising ourselves that we will never open ourselves up like that again." 

I have to be honest, I've been there. I've had relationships end in a less than ideal fashion. I've been hurt and have had those moments of wondering if I would ever find someone I could fully trust. I've had those gut wrenching moments where the tears falling down my face were evidence of a broken heart. But I've also experience what Bell leaves the reader encouraged with. He writes: "But I have to believe that we can recover from anything. I have to believe that God can put anything - anyone - back together. I have to believe that the God Jesus invites us to trust is as good as he says he is. Loving. Forgiving. Merciful. Full of grace."

God has designed sex and marriage in such a way that it gives us a glimpse into the ways in which he loves us. Pursuit, rejection, joy, sadness. The intensity with which we love in romantic relationships gives us insight into God's intense love for us. But that's just where it starts. As fulfilling as relationships, marriage, and sex can be in our lives on Earth, God's love for us can fulfill us even more. While earthly relationships fail and disappoint us, God's love for us never ends or runs dry. I've heard that before, and I've honestly always believed it. But Bell's perspective and approach to this subject made this truth real for me in a way that it never had been before. 

Relationships on Earth will never be perfect. Our hearts will be broken and what God intended for good at times may leave us feeling more empty than we can ever imagine. But it is in those moments, the ones where are hearts are aching and we feel alone, that God can encourage us and love us in a way that will truly change our lives. It is in those moments when we understand our need for connection and seek out connection with our creator. It is when we can identify with God and his relentless pursuit of us. While some in life may bail out or run away, God never leaves. In good times and bad. For better or worse. 

And that is what this book is about.

Sex.God. - Chapter Eight: Johnny and June

Whether on a movie screen or in real life, we've all witnessed an awe inspiring romance. There's something about watching an epic love story unfold that motivates us. Its scenes encourage us to better love those around us. They cause us to reflect on our ability to love and often move us to tears. But what is it exactly that excites us so much?

Bell would argue “when we meet older couples who obviously still love each other and love being married to each other, we’re inspired because so many things around us are in the endless process of falling apart.” We’re immersed in a world where most things are dying, not growing, or losing life instead of gaining life. The inspiring thing about an epic romance is its ability to not simply survive difficult times but strengthen in spite of the chaos life often brings. And who wouldn’t want a relationship [more specifically a marriage] like that?

God begins the story of creation with a union. In the Garden of Eden Eve is created as a mate for Adam, who he later refers to as “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” In essence Adam is saying, “Where I am weak, she is strong, and where she is weak, I am strong.” Bell writes: “Eve is a corresponding strength for Adam. They fit together. They fill each other. They cover for each other. They’re better off together than apart.” Still, Bell believes, the marriage of Adam and Eve “is about something much bigger than the relationship itself.” He says, “It points beyond them to somebody else – to God. The point of marriage isn’t marriage. It’s a picture. A display. A window that you look through to something else.”

Marriage, Bell contends, serves as a counter to all of the brokenness present in the world. Think about it. We all have friends who are from “broken homes”. Or we know a couple that has “split up”. We’ve heard of a friend “shattered” by his lover’s infidelity. Or of somebody’s marriage that has fallen apart and who is left “picking up the pieces.” In relationships, brokenness is everywhere. And “when our trust has been betrayed and those who were supposed to stand by us don’t, this naturally has consequences for how we think about God. It becomes hard to trust that God is good when our significant relationships simply aren’t that good.” Bell says, “A marriage is designed to counter all of this. Not to add to the brokenness of the world but to add to the oneness of the world. This man and this woman who have given themselves to each other are supposed to give the world a glimpse of hope, a display for what God is like.”

Later Bell describes the qualities evident in marriages that truly reflect God’s love. Just as Adam and Eve were naked in the Garden, a quality marriage is one in which both partners are willing and able to be “naked” with each other. One where there is “No shame or embarrassment. No apologizing for who they are. No covering up or pretending. No masks or secrets. Total acceptance of each other.” He says, “That’s what we want, isn’t it? We want someone to see us exactly as we are and still love us. Being naked is terrifying. But what would it be like to be with someone who loves you exactly as you are?” This unconditional, absolute acceptance is what we all crave. Some seek it from a lover, but we can all find it from God. And when this absolute acceptance and relentless love is seen in couples, it gives a small glimpse into the love God has for us.

How do you find that kind of love? Bell says it doesn’t come easily…or quickly. It takes time. He says, “It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit and thoughts and fears and futures and hopes and dreams…that is being naked.” And that kind of exploration of a person takes times. Years. Because the discovery of a person’s soul is an ongoing process. One you never really finish if you truly take on the task. So, you can take your clothes off and “end up moving from relationship to relationship, having sex but never really being naked.”

Nakedness. It’s more than being without clothes. It’s about being willing to let someone discover who you are without any false pretenses. Without hiding the parts of yourself [or your past] that pain you and are likely to cause embarrassment when exposed. It’s about giving yourself entirely to someone and allowing him or her to fill in the spaces of you that are lacking. Being naked with someone is scary, but it can also be one of the most fulfilling and encouraging parts of life. And if you let it, it can reveal more about your creator than you had ever expected.

So find someone you can be naked with and who is willing to be naked with you. Sounds fun, huh?

Sex.God. - Chapter Seven: Under the Chuppah

I would be an unstoppable contestant on "The Moment of Truth." My life is an open book, and I have never found it difficult to share my life experiences with others [although they probably would never invite me on the show since my life hasn’t been all that scandalous…yet]. Still, when it comes to relationships [specifically within dating and marriage relationships], I believe there should be an exclusivity that limits the involvement of others within that relationship. And Rob Bell seems to agree.

Bell writes [of marriage]: "The power of their coming together is rooted in their choice to give themselves to each other and to no one else in this particular way. Out of six billion people on the planet, I choose you. And no one else. No one else gets this. No one else gets me in this specific, holy, sacred, emotional, spiritual, physical way. Its power is derived for its exclusivity."

He goes on to say that when one member of the couple looks outside the relationship for any of the fulfillment that should come solely from their partner, the relationship inevitability suffers: "When a couple shares with others what belongs to the two of them, they pay a price. The power and the mystery and, therefore, the strength of the bond come from the exclusivity. When a couple lets people too far in, when we have experienced what is theirs in some mystical way, they don't have it anymore. They gave it away." And I believe this is true in more scenarios than the obvious one where sexual infidelity plays a role. It is true when something is given away. When loyalty is broken. When the intimate becomes indiscreet. When the sacred becomes unguarded.

A marriage should be a place of confidentiality. A place of trust where one is free to share in a honest fashion without wondering – “Is this between you and me, or you, me, and your friends? Because that is going to change how much I tell you, how much I let you in, how much I trust you with, how much I give you. How naked I get with you. Is this argument between you and me, or between you and me and whoever you are going to tell about it? Is this quirky habit of mine something I let you see because I know you love me no matter what, or is this something you will entertain our friends with at a party? How safe are you?” When this aspect of a relationship is disregarded or mismanaged, it can create a fracture in the relationship and deep insecurity within the one whose secrets are left unguarded.

Bell wraps things up by reminding us that “a marriage is a sacred, holy thing, and it needs to be treated with respect and honor.” God is for marriages, and he wants us to approach them with the same dignity and commitment for which he initially intended. Within a marriage [or a relationship headed there], there must be things kept sacred. Beliefs, thoughts, and actions that must remain in confidence. Things that should not be shared with others. Because when you give away too much, you cheapen the power and exclusivity of the relationship for which you’ve been set apart.

So if you’re married, are you engaged in a relationship that is one of trust and loyalty or are you giving too much away? And if you’re single, are you preparing yourself within the confines of other relationships to one day be equipped to devote yourself to a partner and live contently under the chuppah?

Sex.God. - Chapter Six: Worth Dying For

I'm not sure that any of the flannel graphs I witnessed being crafted in my years in Children's Church ever drew me closer to God. Yes I was taught the basics of the Bible [including a catchy song to memorize the books of the Bible so one could quickly flip to a particular book and avoid looking like a "Sunday Christian" as the preacher spoke on Sunday mornings], but I was rarely exposed to the fundamentals of loving God and loving others. I wasn't quite sure what my life should really look like when putting that into practice. Instead I knew more of what my life should NOT look like. Sure I had a checklist including "quiet time" [I always despised our time with God being called this as if we should all uniformly label our encounters with God], tithing, and inviting friends to church, but I never quite got it. I knew God loved me, but for a long time I never really understood how or why he loved me. My years of exposure to "flannel graph Jesus" created this feeeling of disconnect within me, and for a long time I found it extremely hard to relate to God in any real way.

It was the summer after my freshman year in college when something clicked for me. I embraced God's command for us to submit to each other out of "reverence for Christ," and in doing so I began to feel more connected to God than I had ever felt before. My pursuit of becoming more like Christ was drawing me closer to God than any prolonged gaze at "flannel graph Jesus" or "quiet time" had ever brought me.

And that is what this chapter was about.

Of agape love Bell writes: "Agape is a particular kind of love. Love is often seen as a need, something we get from others. Agape is the opposite. Agape gives." - "Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy. Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love. Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful. Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful."

Intentionally and habitually embracing this kind of love is life changing. It can not only change your life as the love giver, but it will undoubtedly change the lives of those to whom you show love. Bell writes: "What if that woman, the one with the husband who constantly disappoints her, what if she treated him as if he already were the man she wishes he was? What if she agapes him exactly as he is today, with all of his flaws? If you are him, which is more motivating: being reminded of all of your failures and shortcomings, or being loved as if you're a great man?"

Agape "affects how we live, how we act, how we think about ourselves." Because when we learn to agape others, we suddenly recognize how deserving we are of the same type of love. We better understand how God loves us, and we seek out the agape in others. As a girl, I know I have settled for much less than agape love in relationships in my past. In order to feel validated and wanted, I have negotiated and bargained and accepted false forms of love. But as I've journeyed toward becoming more like Christ through the spreading of agape love, I've become more adept at recognizing agape love in an attempt to avoid falling for those who only offer a counterfeit.

I offer the same encouragement to women as Bell when wrapping up this chapter. He says: "Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with honor and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than a flesh level. You are worth dying for."

With his deep, abiding love for us Jesus proved on the cross that I am worth dying for. You are worth dying for. Love is worth dying for.

[agape] LOVE WINS!

Sex.God. - Chapter Five: She Ran Into the Girls Bathroom

It doesn't take much to make me cry. I typically cry not over hurt feelings but because the simplest of things have the ability to tug at my heart strings. A child in my class recognizes another is feeling left out and invites him to join her group without me having to ask her. Tears fill my eyes. Oprah surprises a young girl by funding her college education and altering the course of her life. I cry. Allie and Noah kiss in the rain after rediscovering their love for each other. I bawl. So, I shouldn't have been too surprised when my eyes filled with tears as I was reading this chapter. A good book can do that to you, and this was by far the chapter that has hit me the hardest so far. Seriously, even if you don't plan to read the entire book, head to Barnes & Noble, grab some Starbucks, plop yourself in comfy chair and dive into this chapter. It will change your life.

This chapter begins with Bell describing a time in junior high [arguably one of the most awkward of adolescent times] when he is trying to muster up enough courage to ask a girl to dance, which I'm assuming is a completely daunting task for most males of that age. Her response. "She burst into tears and ran into the girls' bathroom, where she spent the rest of the evening." Hardly the response he was hoping for, I'm sure. He goes on to discuss the vulnerability we all experience when we take the first step toward engaging someone - be it proposing marriage or simply asking someone to coffee. "When you make a move toward a person, when you extend yourself to them, when you invite them to do something, when you initiate conversation, you give them power. Power to say yes or no. Power to decide." You're choosing to take a risk. Risking complete rejection or beginning a relationship that may not run the smoothest of courses.

Bell goes on to discuss the different ways you can cry [all of which I've witnesses or practiced]. He writes: "There's the "somebody close to you is dying" cry, the "confessing dark secrets" cry, the groom's "my bride is coming down the aisle" cry, the "kid whose feelings have been hurt" cry, and the "I just hit my thumb with the hammer and it hurts so much but I'm not going to cry, so little tears are forming in the corners of my eyes" cry. Then there's a cry that's very different than all of these. "It's the cry of someone who has had their heart broken by a lover. It comes from someplace else. Someplace far inside a person, deep in the soul. It's a cry with a certain ache. It's the ache of a broken heart." He goes on to say - "The heart has tremendous capacity to love, and to ache. And this ache is universal." Now, this is what struck me. He writes, "It's universal because we're feeling something as old as the world. Something God feels."

God grieving? "And what is the source of this grieving? People. People God had made who have freedom. Freedom to love anybody they want. And freedom to not love anybody they want. God takes this giant risk in creating and loving people, and in the process God's heart is broken. Again and again and again. Divine heartbreak." This view of God changes everything. No longer is God a god acting as judge or critic or demanding for us to keep a list a rules. He is a "living being who loves and continues to love even when that love is not returned. A God who refuses to override our freedom, who respects our power to decide whether to reciprocate, a God who lets us make the next move." God is love. He is the ultimate lover. Relentless and selfless. Willing to risk rejection and waiting patiently for us to respond. Not forcing his love on us and respecting our choice to refuse him but loving us regardless of our choice.

I've always said that, to me, the true definition of love is sacrifice. I know I love someone when I'm willing to put their desires before my own. God set the perfect example with his sacrifice, the ultimate example of love. He came and died on a cross so that we wouldn't have to experience the death of sin. "That's why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response."

"If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels. If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels. The cross is God's way of saying: I know what it's like. The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying: Me too." This fresh perspective, Bell goes on to say, can "transform our experience of heartbreak." "Instead of being something that distances us from God, causing us to question, "Where are you?" every poem by a lover spurned, every song sung with an ache, every movie with a gut-wrenching scene, every late-night conversation and empty box of kleenex are glimpses into the life of God." Because out there, is a God who knows what it's like. When you can begin to understand God's love for you, you realize in your own heartache "there is something divine in your suffering." You know how God feels. Love is risky for God too.

This radical perspective on God's love for us completely refreshes me. I've been there. We all have. A relationship ends, to your disappointment, and your left exposed and vulnerable. Giving love that another is choosing to no longer receive. You find yourself unable to "turn off" your love for that person, so you continue to love them - even if that love will never again be reciprocated. I always feel paralyzed in these moments. The pain of rejection fills me, and I can't understand why someone would adimantely reject the selfless love I am offering them. I've had my share of relationships that have ended this way. And while in hindsight I can see how the ending of each relationship was for the best, I've always been resentful for the way they've ended. Until this point, I have not seen the pain and vulernability I've felt as a blessing. But now, I am grateful for these points in my life. Through them I am better able to understand God's love for me [and others], and I am able to fully appreciate God's willingness to endure throughout history what I've only had to experience a handful of times - all for the sake of knowing us.

And that changed my life.

Love Is...

"Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. That's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn't wanted."

"Love is a giving away of power. When we love, we give the other person he power in the relationship. They can do what they choose. They can do what they like with our love."

"Love is giving up control. It's surrendering the desire to control the other person. The two - love and controlling power over the other person - are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all of the desires within us to manipulate the relationship."

...And Love Wins.

Sex.God. - Chapter Four: Leather, Whips, and Fruit

Leather, Whips, and Fruit. I'm a fan of two of the three.

Still, this chapter isn't so much about any of these things. Instead, it's about the lust we often have for people, behaviors, or objects and how the things we lust after never seem to fulfill us like we think they will - leading us to further pursue our own desires instead of redirecting our energies into something worthwhile.

Bell returns to Genesis to explore the first time man gave into lust and the destruction that followed. When Adam & Eve gave into the temptation before them in the garden, their eyes opened to "another way for people to live, outside of how God designed things." Their innocence was shattered and their eyes opened to the knowledge of good and evil as they indulged their lustful desires. No longer were their lives centered around all that was good. Evil had now entered the scene. But the evil wasn't in the juice of a shiny, red apple, for nothing is inherently wrong with fruit. "The problem for Adam and Eve is what the fruit has come to represent. Rebellion against God. Rejection of the good, the true, and the beautiful. Another way." Bell argues, "When these first people eat the fruit, it isn't about the fruit, it's about their dissatisfaction with the world God has placed them in. Creation isn't good enough for them."

Logically it seems foolish to choose another way. To reject all of "the good, the true, and the beautiful" things God has prepared for us. But we do it all the time, and in doing so we're essentially telling God what he's given us isn't good enough. We get prideful and believe we are owed better, then we seek better elsewhere. "The idea creeps into our head and heart that we are lacking, that we are incomplete, that this craving in front of us is the answer." We lust after what we don't have and seek means of attaining what we believe we deserve. Often times we chase something [or someone] to meet a need or compensate for what we're lacking, but we usually end up disappointed because "lust promises what it can't deliver."

Bell goes on to say that "lust is slavery" because it brings us to the point where we "can't conceive of being content without it," at which point we are controlled by it. And because lust promises what it can't deliver, it "always leads to anger." It's this vicious cycle of discontent. One disappointment followed by another.

To break the cycle and become free of lust, Bell says "we have to move from being darkened in our understanding to being enlightened in our understanding." Becoming enlightened requires asking the tough questions. Questions like: What is this craving promising? Can it deliver? Is this lust about something else? What is the lie here? Have I been tempted like this before? Have I given in before? What was it like? Did it work? Was I more satisfied or more empty? We must also redirect our energy. Bell says, "Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with God, with others, with the world." We must discover how we can make our life about this so we are not tempted to give in to that.

Oddly enough, this chapter [about lust] totally hit home with me. So often I am focused on what is missing from my life instead of appreciating all that God has given me. I lust. I lust after my own ideals. What I believe would be best for my life. In doing this I regrettably reveal my mistrust of God. I question his craftmanship and his design for my life. Instead of trusting God's timing, I pursue my own plan and my own desires. I waste time wallowing in discontent instead of embracing my current station in life. I live in the past and concentrate on what could have been rather than finding peace with what has become. I miss the blessings because I'm too busy seeking out more.

Still, God's mercies are new each day, and each day I can choose on what to focus. So, as a display of my desire to fully trust God, I will choose to focus on this [all he has blessed me with] so I am not tempted to give in to that [a lustful pursuit of my own desires].

Sex.God. - Chapter Three: Angels and Animals

We all know someone we would classify as an angel. This person dresses impeccably and seems to have it all together. She is successful and fiscally responsible. She is caring and attentive to those around her and never shares in gossipy chats. She's seemingly perfect.

Then there are those we would label as an animal. This person is often savage and impulsive. He gives into his desires without considering the consequences. He looks out only for himself and will do what it takes to make sure his needs are met. He's
a disaster.

I've known both types of people. I've also known people who pretend to be angels, thinking that is what is expected of them, all the while fighting the animalistic urges within them. I've dated these people. At times, I've been like them too.

Bell claims we all have both an animal and an angel living inside of us and that "in the same way we can veer toward the animal impulse, we can veer toward the angel impulse." Now, it's obvious how giving into the animal impulse can be destructive, but Bell asserts that giving into the angelic impulse can be just as damaging. In regards to our sexuality, Bell states that favoring our angelic impulses is "the denial of the physical and the failure to acknowledge that our sexuality is central to what makes us human."

"Angels and Animals. There are these two extremes, denying our sexuality or being driven by it, and then there's the vast space in between."

It's that ambigious in between that frightens so many people into pretending to be something [or someone] they're not. Instead of accepting the fact that although we were created in God's image we are far from perfect, people spend their lives trying to convince people otherwise. Bell speaks to the fact that God created animals [body NO spirit], then angels [spirit NO body], then humans [body AND spirit] and that He created us all in unique ways. He says:

"When we deny the spiritual dimension to our existence, we end up living like animals. And when we deny the physical, sexual dimension to our existence, we end up living like angels. And both ways are destructive because God made us human."

Bell challenges us, as difficult as it may be, to live in the tension. He insists we must discuss the challenges of living a life of purity while still experiencing the animalistic and sexual desires that come with being human. In regards to sex education Bell says, "To simply tell them to ignore the animal and be the angel puts them in the awkward place of trying to ignore something that is very real and very new, something central to who they are."

So embrace the tension! Don't fall into the habit of acting as an animal because you know you're incapable of living as an angel. And don't pretend to be an angel because you can't keep up the act forever and in doing so you rob yourself of the freedom that comes with living a transparent life blessed by the grace of God.

Graceful Barbarians. It seems as though they're the perfect combination of both.

Sex.God. - Chapter Two: Sexy On The Inside

MySpace and Facebook [aka MyFace] are arguably two of the most popular websites among twenty somethings. Millions of people advertise themselves using flattering photos while feigning interest in trendy hobbies. They do so hoping to connect. Some aim to connect with old friends while others are seeking attention from anyone willing to send some their way. The truth is we're all looking to connect, regardless of whether or not we use "MyFace" to do so. Although our society provides us more ways than ever to "connect" with others, it seems as though we're becoming increasingly disconnected.

Adam and Eve were the first to experience disconnection. Their disobedience created a disconnect between themselves and God, as well as in their own relationship. We experience the same disconnect in our lives today. Bell claims our sexuality is "all of the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other, and with God." Essentially, he uses sexuality and connection as synonyms. He's not speaking of the physical act of sex [which often leaves those using it improperly feeling deeply unconnected] since that is merely an example of how we express our sexuality or desire to connect. In fact, Bell says some of the most sexual people he knows are celibate. The people he speaks of have chosen to abstain from the physical act of sex and instead have "chosen to give themselves to lots of people, to serve and give and connect their lives with beautiful worthy causes" and as a result connect with people on a intensely intimate level.

Bell goes on to describe ways in which disconnect can occur in relationships: "When we hurt each other, when we gossip about each other, when we fail to forgive each other, when we don't do the work of making peace with each other, we get severed from each other, cut off, divided." This disconnect can occur when friends feud or when a spouse refuses to forgive. Bell goes on to say that "perhaps we should call this what is it: sexual dysfunction." Often times disconnect occurs between, or because of, people who aren't satisfied with who they are. People who cannot accept where God has them or what God has given them. And until you are at peace with who you are in relation to your creator, like Adam and Eve you will continue to experience disconnect.

In response to her young son's inquiry of what "sexy" means, Bell's wife answered: "Sexy is when it feels good to be in your skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you." And that's where it starts. You must be sexy on the inside. Discover who you are and what you love about yourself. You must embrace your sexuality [or desire to connect]. Because you have to connect with yourself before you can be successful at connecting with others.

So, next time I beg for "sexy time" [thank you Borat] with you, don't mock me! I'm only looking to connect!