I would be an unstoppable contestant on "The Moment of Truth." My life is an open book, and I have never found it difficult to share my life experiences with others [although they probably would never invite me on the show since my life hasn’t been all that scandalous…yet]. Still, when it comes to relationships [specifically within dating and marriage relationships], I believe there should be an exclusivity that limits the involvement of others within that relationship. And Rob Bell seems to agree.
Bell writes [of marriage]: "The power of their coming together is rooted in their choice to give themselves to each other and to no one else in this particular way. Out of six billion people on the planet, I choose you. And no one else. No one else gets this. No one else gets me in this specific, holy, sacred, emotional, spiritual, physical way. Its power is derived for its exclusivity."
He goes on to say that when one member of the couple looks outside the relationship for any of the fulfillment that should come solely from their partner, the relationship inevitability suffers: "When a couple shares with others what belongs to the two of them, they pay a price. The power and the mystery and, therefore, the strength of the bond come from the exclusivity. When a couple lets people too far in, when we have experienced what is theirs in some mystical way, they don't have it anymore. They gave it away." And I believe this is true in more scenarios than the obvious one where sexual infidelity plays a role. It is true when something is given away. When loyalty is broken. When the intimate becomes indiscreet. When the sacred becomes unguarded.
A marriage should be a place of confidentiality. A place of trust where one is free to share in a honest fashion without wondering – “Is this between you and me, or you, me, and your friends? Because that is going to change how much I tell you, how much I let you in, how much I trust you with, how much I give you. How naked I get with you. Is this argument between you and me, or between you and me and whoever you are going to tell about it? Is this quirky habit of mine something I let you see because I know you love me no matter what, or is this something you will entertain our friends with at a party? How safe are you?” When this aspect of a relationship is disregarded or mismanaged, it can create a fracture in the relationship and deep insecurity within the one whose secrets are left unguarded.
Bell wraps things up by reminding us that “a marriage is a sacred, holy thing, and it needs to be treated with respect and honor.” God is for marriages, and he wants us to approach them with the same dignity and commitment for which he initially intended. Within a marriage [or a relationship headed there], there must be things kept sacred. Beliefs, thoughts, and actions that must remain in confidence. Things that should not be shared with others. Because when you give away too much, you cheapen the power and exclusivity of the relationship for which you’ve been set apart.
So if you’re married, are you engaged in a relationship that is one of trust and loyalty or are you giving too much away? And if you’re single, are you preparing yourself within the confines of other relationships to one day be equipped to devote yourself to a partner and live contently under the chuppah?
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