Sex.God. - Chapter Five: She Ran Into the Girls Bathroom

It doesn't take much to make me cry. I typically cry not over hurt feelings but because the simplest of things have the ability to tug at my heart strings. A child in my class recognizes another is feeling left out and invites him to join her group without me having to ask her. Tears fill my eyes. Oprah surprises a young girl by funding her college education and altering the course of her life. I cry. Allie and Noah kiss in the rain after rediscovering their love for each other. I bawl. So, I shouldn't have been too surprised when my eyes filled with tears as I was reading this chapter. A good book can do that to you, and this was by far the chapter that has hit me the hardest so far. Seriously, even if you don't plan to read the entire book, head to Barnes & Noble, grab some Starbucks, plop yourself in comfy chair and dive into this chapter. It will change your life.

This chapter begins with Bell describing a time in junior high [arguably one of the most awkward of adolescent times] when he is trying to muster up enough courage to ask a girl to dance, which I'm assuming is a completely daunting task for most males of that age. Her response. "She burst into tears and ran into the girls' bathroom, where she spent the rest of the evening." Hardly the response he was hoping for, I'm sure. He goes on to discuss the vulnerability we all experience when we take the first step toward engaging someone - be it proposing marriage or simply asking someone to coffee. "When you make a move toward a person, when you extend yourself to them, when you invite them to do something, when you initiate conversation, you give them power. Power to say yes or no. Power to decide." You're choosing to take a risk. Risking complete rejection or beginning a relationship that may not run the smoothest of courses.

Bell goes on to discuss the different ways you can cry [all of which I've witnesses or practiced]. He writes: "There's the "somebody close to you is dying" cry, the "confessing dark secrets" cry, the groom's "my bride is coming down the aisle" cry, the "kid whose feelings have been hurt" cry, and the "I just hit my thumb with the hammer and it hurts so much but I'm not going to cry, so little tears are forming in the corners of my eyes" cry. Then there's a cry that's very different than all of these. "It's the cry of someone who has had their heart broken by a lover. It comes from someplace else. Someplace far inside a person, deep in the soul. It's a cry with a certain ache. It's the ache of a broken heart." He goes on to say - "The heart has tremendous capacity to love, and to ache. And this ache is universal." Now, this is what struck me. He writes, "It's universal because we're feeling something as old as the world. Something God feels."

God grieving? "And what is the source of this grieving? People. People God had made who have freedom. Freedom to love anybody they want. And freedom to not love anybody they want. God takes this giant risk in creating and loving people, and in the process God's heart is broken. Again and again and again. Divine heartbreak." This view of God changes everything. No longer is God a god acting as judge or critic or demanding for us to keep a list a rules. He is a "living being who loves and continues to love even when that love is not returned. A God who refuses to override our freedom, who respects our power to decide whether to reciprocate, a God who lets us make the next move." God is love. He is the ultimate lover. Relentless and selfless. Willing to risk rejection and waiting patiently for us to respond. Not forcing his love on us and respecting our choice to refuse him but loving us regardless of our choice.

I've always said that, to me, the true definition of love is sacrifice. I know I love someone when I'm willing to put their desires before my own. God set the perfect example with his sacrifice, the ultimate example of love. He came and died on a cross so that we wouldn't have to experience the death of sin. "That's why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response."

"If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels. If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels. The cross is God's way of saying: I know what it's like. The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying: Me too." This fresh perspective, Bell goes on to say, can "transform our experience of heartbreak." "Instead of being something that distances us from God, causing us to question, "Where are you?" every poem by a lover spurned, every song sung with an ache, every movie with a gut-wrenching scene, every late-night conversation and empty box of kleenex are glimpses into the life of God." Because out there, is a God who knows what it's like. When you can begin to understand God's love for you, you realize in your own heartache "there is something divine in your suffering." You know how God feels. Love is risky for God too.

This radical perspective on God's love for us completely refreshes me. I've been there. We all have. A relationship ends, to your disappointment, and your left exposed and vulnerable. Giving love that another is choosing to no longer receive. You find yourself unable to "turn off" your love for that person, so you continue to love them - even if that love will never again be reciprocated. I always feel paralyzed in these moments. The pain of rejection fills me, and I can't understand why someone would adimantely reject the selfless love I am offering them. I've had my share of relationships that have ended this way. And while in hindsight I can see how the ending of each relationship was for the best, I've always been resentful for the way they've ended. Until this point, I have not seen the pain and vulernability I've felt as a blessing. But now, I am grateful for these points in my life. Through them I am better able to understand God's love for me [and others], and I am able to fully appreciate God's willingness to endure throughout history what I've only had to experience a handful of times - all for the sake of knowing us.

And that changed my life.

Love Is...

"Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. That's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn't wanted."

"Love is a giving away of power. When we love, we give the other person he power in the relationship. They can do what they choose. They can do what they like with our love."

"Love is giving up control. It's surrendering the desire to control the other person. The two - love and controlling power over the other person - are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all of the desires within us to manipulate the relationship."

...And Love Wins.