Sex.God. - Chapter Five: She Ran Into the Girls Bathroom

It doesn't take much to make me cry. I typically cry not over hurt feelings but because the simplest of things have the ability to tug at my heart strings. A child in my class recognizes another is feeling left out and invites him to join her group without me having to ask her. Tears fill my eyes. Oprah surprises a young girl by funding her college education and altering the course of her life. I cry. Allie and Noah kiss in the rain after rediscovering their love for each other. I bawl. So, I shouldn't have been too surprised when my eyes filled with tears as I was reading this chapter. A good book can do that to you, and this was by far the chapter that has hit me the hardest so far. Seriously, even if you don't plan to read the entire book, head to Barnes & Noble, grab some Starbucks, plop yourself in comfy chair and dive into this chapter. It will change your life.

This chapter begins with Bell describing a time in junior high [arguably one of the most awkward of adolescent times] when he is trying to muster up enough courage to ask a girl to dance, which I'm assuming is a completely daunting task for most males of that age. Her response. "She burst into tears and ran into the girls' bathroom, where she spent the rest of the evening." Hardly the response he was hoping for, I'm sure. He goes on to discuss the vulnerability we all experience when we take the first step toward engaging someone - be it proposing marriage or simply asking someone to coffee. "When you make a move toward a person, when you extend yourself to them, when you invite them to do something, when you initiate conversation, you give them power. Power to say yes or no. Power to decide." You're choosing to take a risk. Risking complete rejection or beginning a relationship that may not run the smoothest of courses.

Bell goes on to discuss the different ways you can cry [all of which I've witnesses or practiced]. He writes: "There's the "somebody close to you is dying" cry, the "confessing dark secrets" cry, the groom's "my bride is coming down the aisle" cry, the "kid whose feelings have been hurt" cry, and the "I just hit my thumb with the hammer and it hurts so much but I'm not going to cry, so little tears are forming in the corners of my eyes" cry. Then there's a cry that's very different than all of these. "It's the cry of someone who has had their heart broken by a lover. It comes from someplace else. Someplace far inside a person, deep in the soul. It's a cry with a certain ache. It's the ache of a broken heart." He goes on to say - "The heart has tremendous capacity to love, and to ache. And this ache is universal." Now, this is what struck me. He writes, "It's universal because we're feeling something as old as the world. Something God feels."

God grieving? "And what is the source of this grieving? People. People God had made who have freedom. Freedom to love anybody they want. And freedom to not love anybody they want. God takes this giant risk in creating and loving people, and in the process God's heart is broken. Again and again and again. Divine heartbreak." This view of God changes everything. No longer is God a god acting as judge or critic or demanding for us to keep a list a rules. He is a "living being who loves and continues to love even when that love is not returned. A God who refuses to override our freedom, who respects our power to decide whether to reciprocate, a God who lets us make the next move." God is love. He is the ultimate lover. Relentless and selfless. Willing to risk rejection and waiting patiently for us to respond. Not forcing his love on us and respecting our choice to refuse him but loving us regardless of our choice.

I've always said that, to me, the true definition of love is sacrifice. I know I love someone when I'm willing to put their desires before my own. God set the perfect example with his sacrifice, the ultimate example of love. He came and died on a cross so that we wouldn't have to experience the death of sin. "That's why for thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks to God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and then waiting for our response."

"If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels. If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels. The cross is God's way of saying: I know what it's like. The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying: Me too." This fresh perspective, Bell goes on to say, can "transform our experience of heartbreak." "Instead of being something that distances us from God, causing us to question, "Where are you?" every poem by a lover spurned, every song sung with an ache, every movie with a gut-wrenching scene, every late-night conversation and empty box of kleenex are glimpses into the life of God." Because out there, is a God who knows what it's like. When you can begin to understand God's love for you, you realize in your own heartache "there is something divine in your suffering." You know how God feels. Love is risky for God too.

This radical perspective on God's love for us completely refreshes me. I've been there. We all have. A relationship ends, to your disappointment, and your left exposed and vulnerable. Giving love that another is choosing to no longer receive. You find yourself unable to "turn off" your love for that person, so you continue to love them - even if that love will never again be reciprocated. I always feel paralyzed in these moments. The pain of rejection fills me, and I can't understand why someone would adimantely reject the selfless love I am offering them. I've had my share of relationships that have ended this way. And while in hindsight I can see how the ending of each relationship was for the best, I've always been resentful for the way they've ended. Until this point, I have not seen the pain and vulernability I've felt as a blessing. But now, I am grateful for these points in my life. Through them I am better able to understand God's love for me [and others], and I am able to fully appreciate God's willingness to endure throughout history what I've only had to experience a handful of times - all for the sake of knowing us.

And that changed my life.

Love Is...

"Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. That's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn't wanted."

"Love is a giving away of power. When we love, we give the other person he power in the relationship. They can do what they choose. They can do what they like with our love."

"Love is giving up control. It's surrendering the desire to control the other person. The two - love and controlling power over the other person - are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all of the desires within us to manipulate the relationship."

...And Love Wins.

Sex.God. - Chapter Four: Leather, Whips, and Fruit

Leather, Whips, and Fruit. I'm a fan of two of the three.

Still, this chapter isn't so much about any of these things. Instead, it's about the lust we often have for people, behaviors, or objects and how the things we lust after never seem to fulfill us like we think they will - leading us to further pursue our own desires instead of redirecting our energies into something worthwhile.

Bell returns to Genesis to explore the first time man gave into lust and the destruction that followed. When Adam & Eve gave into the temptation before them in the garden, their eyes opened to "another way for people to live, outside of how God designed things." Their innocence was shattered and their eyes opened to the knowledge of good and evil as they indulged their lustful desires. No longer were their lives centered around all that was good. Evil had now entered the scene. But the evil wasn't in the juice of a shiny, red apple, for nothing is inherently wrong with fruit. "The problem for Adam and Eve is what the fruit has come to represent. Rebellion against God. Rejection of the good, the true, and the beautiful. Another way." Bell argues, "When these first people eat the fruit, it isn't about the fruit, it's about their dissatisfaction with the world God has placed them in. Creation isn't good enough for them."

Logically it seems foolish to choose another way. To reject all of "the good, the true, and the beautiful" things God has prepared for us. But we do it all the time, and in doing so we're essentially telling God what he's given us isn't good enough. We get prideful and believe we are owed better, then we seek better elsewhere. "The idea creeps into our head and heart that we are lacking, that we are incomplete, that this craving in front of us is the answer." We lust after what we don't have and seek means of attaining what we believe we deserve. Often times we chase something [or someone] to meet a need or compensate for what we're lacking, but we usually end up disappointed because "lust promises what it can't deliver."

Bell goes on to say that "lust is slavery" because it brings us to the point where we "can't conceive of being content without it," at which point we are controlled by it. And because lust promises what it can't deliver, it "always leads to anger." It's this vicious cycle of discontent. One disappointment followed by another.

To break the cycle and become free of lust, Bell says "we have to move from being darkened in our understanding to being enlightened in our understanding." Becoming enlightened requires asking the tough questions. Questions like: What is this craving promising? Can it deliver? Is this lust about something else? What is the lie here? Have I been tempted like this before? Have I given in before? What was it like? Did it work? Was I more satisfied or more empty? We must also redirect our energy. Bell says, "Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with God, with others, with the world." We must discover how we can make our life about this so we are not tempted to give in to that.

Oddly enough, this chapter [about lust] totally hit home with me. So often I am focused on what is missing from my life instead of appreciating all that God has given me. I lust. I lust after my own ideals. What I believe would be best for my life. In doing this I regrettably reveal my mistrust of God. I question his craftmanship and his design for my life. Instead of trusting God's timing, I pursue my own plan and my own desires. I waste time wallowing in discontent instead of embracing my current station in life. I live in the past and concentrate on what could have been rather than finding peace with what has become. I miss the blessings because I'm too busy seeking out more.

Still, God's mercies are new each day, and each day I can choose on what to focus. So, as a display of my desire to fully trust God, I will choose to focus on this [all he has blessed me with] so I am not tempted to give in to that [a lustful pursuit of my own desires].

Sex.God. - Chapter Three: Angels and Animals

We all know someone we would classify as an angel. This person dresses impeccably and seems to have it all together. She is successful and fiscally responsible. She is caring and attentive to those around her and never shares in gossipy chats. She's seemingly perfect.

Then there are those we would label as an animal. This person is often savage and impulsive. He gives into his desires without considering the consequences. He looks out only for himself and will do what it takes to make sure his needs are met. He's
a disaster.

I've known both types of people. I've also known people who pretend to be angels, thinking that is what is expected of them, all the while fighting the animalistic urges within them. I've dated these people. At times, I've been like them too.

Bell claims we all have both an animal and an angel living inside of us and that "in the same way we can veer toward the animal impulse, we can veer toward the angel impulse." Now, it's obvious how giving into the animal impulse can be destructive, but Bell asserts that giving into the angelic impulse can be just as damaging. In regards to our sexuality, Bell states that favoring our angelic impulses is "the denial of the physical and the failure to acknowledge that our sexuality is central to what makes us human."

"Angels and Animals. There are these two extremes, denying our sexuality or being driven by it, and then there's the vast space in between."

It's that ambigious in between that frightens so many people into pretending to be something [or someone] they're not. Instead of accepting the fact that although we were created in God's image we are far from perfect, people spend their lives trying to convince people otherwise. Bell speaks to the fact that God created animals [body NO spirit], then angels [spirit NO body], then humans [body AND spirit] and that He created us all in unique ways. He says:

"When we deny the spiritual dimension to our existence, we end up living like animals. And when we deny the physical, sexual dimension to our existence, we end up living like angels. And both ways are destructive because God made us human."

Bell challenges us, as difficult as it may be, to live in the tension. He insists we must discuss the challenges of living a life of purity while still experiencing the animalistic and sexual desires that come with being human. In regards to sex education Bell says, "To simply tell them to ignore the animal and be the angel puts them in the awkward place of trying to ignore something that is very real and very new, something central to who they are."

So embrace the tension! Don't fall into the habit of acting as an animal because you know you're incapable of living as an angel. And don't pretend to be an angel because you can't keep up the act forever and in doing so you rob yourself of the freedom that comes with living a transparent life blessed by the grace of God.

Graceful Barbarians. It seems as though they're the perfect combination of both.

Sex.God. - Chapter Two: Sexy On The Inside

MySpace and Facebook [aka MyFace] are arguably two of the most popular websites among twenty somethings. Millions of people advertise themselves using flattering photos while feigning interest in trendy hobbies. They do so hoping to connect. Some aim to connect with old friends while others are seeking attention from anyone willing to send some their way. The truth is we're all looking to connect, regardless of whether or not we use "MyFace" to do so. Although our society provides us more ways than ever to "connect" with others, it seems as though we're becoming increasingly disconnected.

Adam and Eve were the first to experience disconnection. Their disobedience created a disconnect between themselves and God, as well as in their own relationship. We experience the same disconnect in our lives today. Bell claims our sexuality is "all of the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other, and with God." Essentially, he uses sexuality and connection as synonyms. He's not speaking of the physical act of sex [which often leaves those using it improperly feeling deeply unconnected] since that is merely an example of how we express our sexuality or desire to connect. In fact, Bell says some of the most sexual people he knows are celibate. The people he speaks of have chosen to abstain from the physical act of sex and instead have "chosen to give themselves to lots of people, to serve and give and connect their lives with beautiful worthy causes" and as a result connect with people on a intensely intimate level.

Bell goes on to describe ways in which disconnect can occur in relationships: "When we hurt each other, when we gossip about each other, when we fail to forgive each other, when we don't do the work of making peace with each other, we get severed from each other, cut off, divided." This disconnect can occur when friends feud or when a spouse refuses to forgive. Bell goes on to say that "perhaps we should call this what is it: sexual dysfunction." Often times disconnect occurs between, or because of, people who aren't satisfied with who they are. People who cannot accept where God has them or what God has given them. And until you are at peace with who you are in relation to your creator, like Adam and Eve you will continue to experience disconnect.

In response to her young son's inquiry of what "sexy" means, Bell's wife answered: "Sexy is when it feels good to be in your skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you." And that's where it starts. You must be sexy on the inside. Discover who you are and what you love about yourself. You must embrace your sexuality [or desire to connect]. Because you have to connect with yourself before you can be successful at connecting with others.

So, next time I beg for "sexy time" [thank you Borat] with you, don't mock me! I'm only looking to connect!